I thought I had cried all I could when I found out I’ve had a miscarriage.
Turns out, just as you think you’re getting your head around it, there are lots of other moments that come and kick you in the balls.
I found out I’d lost my baby two weeks ago now. It’s been two long weeks.
Technically, nothing has happened yet. I still have to go to hospital on Monday for another scan, confirming the inevitable, but hopefully I finally get some treatment to help it along.
So in the meantime, I have started to try to deal with it in my own head.
I have tried to carry on with life as ‘normal’ as much as I can.
I have tried to make sure my little girl, Lady P is affected as little as possible. She really is the best medicine.
We’ve also decided to get a dog.
Only now, when I go out, the bumps and newborns I see don’t make me smile in the same way as they did before. They make my heart sink a little as I remember what I have lost.
This week, I was reminded of my grief even more.
I had a message from a friend, letting me know that she is 14 weeks pregnant, and another about her 20 week scan.
My first thoughts are that I am really really really happy for both of them, I truly am. Both messages were sensitive and I appreciate that.
But it hit me in a way I didn’t expect.
It took me a while to process.
They are only be a few weeks ahead of me. They will have her babies when I would have been expecting mine. Their happy times will be my saddest.
I feel like a terrible person for even thinking like that, but I think it’s only natural. I can’t think any other way right now.
I don’t think you can ever predict how you might feel if you lose a baby. Or when you next hear a friend’s baby news. Or when you hold another newborn. It is an emotion that we hope we will never have to experience, yet it is one that is so common for so many of us. I thought I might have a while before I’d have to deal with baby news, but I guess timing is a bitch.
For me, it will get worse before it gets better, but I wish my friends the very best with their pregnancies. I hope that soon I can share in their happy times too.
But for now, my tears returned today, and my heart sank a little further.