It’s taken me quite a while to write this blog.
I wrote another very similar post very soon after I’d had a miscarriage back in October and alas, I’ve had another one.
It happened in virtually identical circumstances; no heartbeat at an early scan. Devastating.
I was naturally gutted about it, but somehow I felt different this time around.
How can you feel different about a miscarriage?
Perhaps I was expecting it to not work out? Maybe I didn’t actually believe it this time? Most likely I just didn’t let myself get so emotionally ahead of myself.
Whichever it was, I felt somewhat detached from it. After the initial tears and shock had worn off, it was down the business and going through the motions of the medical follow up.
And then, in a matter of days, it was all done and dusted (apart from the obvious other physical effects).
I had literally flushed my hopes and dreams of having another baby down the toilet. Again.
It struck me as a very weird scenario.
You get pregnant and that can change your entire life. Yet, when you get pregnant and miscarry a baby, everything goes back to ‘normal’ very quickly.
Of course you grieve – and you’re entitled to do so, but before long, life carries on. Back to work, back to the daily routine, back to being surrounded by pregnant women and new baby news.
This time around, I’ve not been hit so hard by it all. Probably because it’s reminded me that I have one amazing little girl that I want to concentrate on rather than immediately getting back on the horse and trying again.
It feels to me as though it’s all a bit hopeless at the moment, but rather than crying at every opportunity (like I was last year), I’ve decided to have some time off the whole thing for a while.
I actually can’t be arsed with it all.
I’m going to have a brilliant summer with my family. We are going to finish building our forever home. I am gong to savour each moment with my darling girl.
And I am going to get drunk with my friends. Really bloody drunk.
Life is too short, and I’ve not given up all hope of another baby just yet, but for now, I’ve flushed the chain on those dreams and am living the one I already have.