Flushing your dreams down the toilet (quite literally)

Flushing your dreams down the toilet (quite literally)

It’s taken me quite a while to write this blog.

I wrote another very similar post very soon after I’d had a miscarriage back in October and alas, I’ve had another one.

It happened in virtually identical circumstances; no heartbeat at an early scan. Devastating.

I was naturally gutted about it, but somehow I felt different this time around.

How can you feel different about a miscarriage?

Perhaps I was expecting it to not work out? Maybe I didn’t actually believe it this time? Most likely I just didn’t let myself get so emotionally ahead of myself.

Whichever it was, I felt somewhat detached from it. After the initial tears and shock had worn off, it was down the business and going through the motions of the medical follow up.

And then, in a matter of days, it was all done and dusted (apart from the obvious other physical effects).

I had literally flushed my hopes and dreams of having another baby down the toilet. Again.

toilet
Paul Green

It struck me as a very weird scenario.

You get pregnant and that can change your entire life. Yet, when you get pregnant and miscarry a baby, everything goes back to ‘normal’ very quickly.

Of course you grieve – and you’re entitled to do so, but before long, life carries on. Back to work, back to the daily routine, back to being surrounded by pregnant women and new baby news.

This time around, I’ve not been hit so hard by it all. Probably because it’s reminded me that I have one amazing little girl that I want to concentrate on rather than immediately getting back on the horse and trying again.

It feels to me as though it’s all a bit hopeless at the moment, but rather than crying at every opportunity (like I was last year), I’ve decided to have some time off the whole thing for a while.

I actually can’t be arsed with it all.

I’m going to have a brilliant summer with my family. We are going to finish building our forever home. I am gong to savour each moment with my darling girl.

daughter

And I am going to get drunk with my friends. Really bloody drunk.

Life is too short, and I’ve not given up all hope of another baby just yet, but for now, I’ve flushed the chain on those dreams and am living the one I already have.


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8 Comments on "Flushing your dreams down the toilet (quite literally)"

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Lucy At Home
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Oh I’m so sorry. I don’t think anyone can predict how they will react to something like this, even if they’ve been there before, and you just need to accept how you feel rather than thinking about how you “should” feel. Your last line is beautiful – “I’ve flushed the chain on those dreams and am living the one I already have.”

jeremy - thirstydaddy
Guest

I’m so sorry for you. My ex and I suffered through multiple miscarriages, eventually breaking us apart. I know how extremely difficult it is, that moment when the ultrasound turns up nothing beating is such a kick in the ass. I have no advice but know that your partner is suffering too. #bestnandworst

Helen Gandy
Guest

Oh hun I’m so sorry to read this. I hope you have a lovely summer despite the last few months being rubbish. Big hugs lovely and thanks for linking up #bestandworst

Liz Deacle
Guest

This is such a beautiful post. So raw and honest. I’m sorry for your loss and having never suffered a miscarriage I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through. I’m glad you have your little girl to help you through and hope you have a relaxing summer with her. X #stayclassymama

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