The hardest post I’ve ever had to write

The hardest post I’ve ever had to write

I have some baby news.

It’s not the post I’d hoped I’d be writing – it’s actually the hardest post I think I’ve ever had to write, but it is one I feel I need to write it for my own sake.

I have had a missed miscarriage.

There, I said it. It’s out there.

We went for an early scan at 10 weeks just to check all was OK, to be told there was no heartbeat.

We walked in with hopes and dreams of completing our family in April, and 10 minutes later walked out feeling numb.

Our lives changed in a few seconds, and although we only found out 3 days ago, I feel as though I have cried a lifetime of tears already.

How do you start to process something like that?

My body still felt pregnant, and I’d had no idea that my tiny baby had stopped growing weeks ago.

heartbroken after miscarriageI have spent hours going over it in my head. Was it something I did? Where was I when it happened? Why didn’t I know?

But the answer is that there is no answer. It makes no sense.

When you experience a miscarriage, people tell you ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ and ‘at least you know you can get pregnant again’.

I know this is all true, and I am pretty sure I’ve said the same to friends of mine who have had a miscarriage, but it still doesn’t help me at the moment.

I am lucky to have my daughter and the other people that I love unconditionally. I know that.

But it doesn’t make me feel any less sad.

This baby wasn’t just a baby for me, it was a baby for them too.

As much as we shouldn’t, as soon as you see those little red lines on the test, you zoom forward 9 months or more and imagine what life will be like. You start to plan in your head… What will you call them? What will they look like? Who will they be?

Then, in a few seconds, it’s all stolen from you. Gone.

My brain is slowly undoing all of the thoughts I have had for the last few months, and soon my body will start undoing all of the work it was doing.

Apart from the birth of my child, never have I had to deal with something so traumatic both physically, emotionally and mentally, basically on my own so this is all new to me.

Yes, I have my family and friends and they are amazing, but everyone is individual. Even if they have gone through the same thing, they will have felt differently to how I am feeling. It’s just like that.

So at the moment, I don’t know how I feel.

I know I feel incredibly sad and pretty empty inside. I know I feel even more of an overwhelming love for my daughter and for the people I do have in my life. I know I will bounce back eventually, and I hope that one day we might be luckier, but I don’t know whether I am feeling what I am actually feeling, or what I am telling myself to feel.

I’m broken.

I need some time and space to deal with this. I need life to settle down before I can really and truly smile on the inside again. I need to appreciate what I do have and not focus on what I have lost.

Thank you to my family and friends who are there for me. Without you, I don’t know where I would be.

Penelope – you are my little ray of sunshine amongst the darkness. I love you.

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62 Comments on "The hardest post I’ve ever had to write"

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mandy charlton
Guest

Oh lovely, I don’t know what to say, that’s one of the saddest posts I’ve ever read, I think you’ve got to just take each day as it comes and maybe plant a rose, so you have something to remember. Life will get better again, it’s just going to take time.

Much love #tuesdaytreasures

Claire
Guest

This is truly heartbreaking. Tears are running down my face from reading this post and I can’t begin to imagine the horror of what you’re feeling. Sending my love and thoughts your way xxxx

Squirmy Popple
Guest

I can’t imagine how hard this post must have been to write – I don’t know if I could have been as brave in your situation. It’s okay to be thankful for your daughter and still grieve for the child you didn’t get a chance to know. Do what you need to do. #dreamteam

Helene
Guest

I am so sorry! May you feel the presence of God beside you in the darkness and His light shining at the end!

A Mum Track Mind
Guest

I’m so sorry to hear this news. I hope you take plenty of time to rest, mourn and most of all be kind to yourself whilst you process this difficult news. #dreamteam

Amie
Guest

I’m so sorry for your loss xx Hugs and kisses xx #TwinklyTuesday

Angela Webster
Guest

I am so sorry for your loss, take time to grieve for the future you had planned and accept all the love and support you can from your family, friends and little girl. #TuesdayTreasures

Lex Jackson
Guest

Oh my goodness. Extremely sorry for your heartache, and hoping you have the strength to overcome this. Things will heal, but you won’t forget and that is a good thing. Take some time to be you, to grief and to sort out your must be muddled head. Being 14 weeks pregnant myself this post has extremely hit a nerve. I thank you for your honesty and bravery and for allowing us into such a personal moment. Hoping your darling Penelope is keep your spirits and head high. Much love xo #DREAMTEAM

Annette, 3 Little Buttons
Guest

This is such sad news, you poor thing. I can’t imagine the heartbreak you are going through right now. Take some time. Sending love from us and the whole of the #DreamTeam. Don’t forget we are all here for you. xxx

The Tale of Mummyhood
Guest

I am so, so sorry. Sending all the love in the world to you and yours right now xx

#BestandWorst

Kirsten Toyne
Guest

I am so sorry. You are right there is no answer. Allowing yourself to feel the range of emotions you are presented with is important. Don’t put on a brave face or hide them away because they will still be there. Thank you for sharing such an emotional time in your life. It takes courage to do so. #bloggerclubuk

jeremy
Guest

so sorry for your loss. As a man I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, but I went through this years ago and it took a long time for the pain to fade. Wishing you the best

Jo (Mother of Teenagers)
Guest

What tragic news. I have been there too so can feel your pain. It will get better. #BloggerClubUK

Peachy and her Mommy
Guest

That is very sad. I find myself sitting here trying to think of encouraging things to say that would make it better. I’m trying to imagine what words would help me if I was in your shoes. But there are no such words. I don’t think they exist. Only time can help put you back together again.

You are brave for sharing your story especially when the pain is still so fresh. Take care of yourself and do what makes you happy. #bestandworst

Helena
Guest

Oh my I’m sorry to read of your loss. I hope in writing this it has somehow helped.#TuesdayTreasures

Cal FamilyMakes
Guest

I’m so sorry for your loss. it is a great loss, I know. I know you feel broken, and it must have taken all of your strength to write this, but I hope it helped and that it is the beginning of a journey that will heal you a little more each day. #BestandWorst

Mummytodex
Guest

I am truly so sorry for your loss. I am glad you felt able to blog about it though, because I really do believe women should talk about this subject more. We feel that must keep this taboo subject to ourselves and the more we blog and talk about it the better. I hope you find comfort with your friends and family. Sending love, prayers and best wishes.

A Cornish Mum
Guest

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry, it is really something no one should ever have to experience xx

Stevie #PicknMix x

Kimberly
Guest

Miscarriage is something women just don’t talk about enough – so I think you’re brilliant and brave to write about it. I didn’t know two of my best friends had suffered miscarriages until way after the event and felt really sad I hadnt known and been able to help.
Thinking of you.
Kimberly #TheList

Tracey Abrahams
Guest

I am so sorry for your loss. Misscarriage is something many people would prefer to keep a taboo subject, because it is hard to know what the right thing to say is. You need to take time to mourn, the child you lost and the future you pictured with them. Dont let anyone rush that process or belittle your grief.
#TwinklyTuesday xx

Helen Gandy
Guest

I’m so sorry to read this, sending you so much love. Keep strong. #bestandworst

claire
Guest

Oh hun, this brought tears to my eyes, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I want to offer words of encouragement, share my own experiences and that of friends but you’re right, everyone goes through this differently and I’m not sure I can come up with any words that can help. Just know your readerships supports you fully. Even if every post you write for the next few months needs to be on this subject for you, we will read it and support you loyally. xx #picnmix

Bridie By The Sea
Guest

Oh lovely, I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of love and hope you are taking care of yourself. Thanks for linking up to #dreamteam xx

Emma
Guest

Oh I am so sorry to read this. Sending you big hugs xxx #thelist

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[…] I thought I had cried all I could when I found out I’ve had a miscarriage. […]

Jenn Mad Mommy
Guest

Sorry for your loss, while there is nothing that will take that pain away you will always have that little one with you in the back of your mind. #dreamteam

Lisa Cornwell
Guest

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of love your way. Thank you for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday lovely xx

RachelSwirl
Guest

I want to reach through the laptop and give you a massive hug. First know that you are right, this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I have been where you are right now, we too lost a baby to missed miscarriage and were totally unaware until our twelve week scan when our hopes and dreams were dashed.
It is one of the hardest things I have ever been through and it still remains with me now. Thank you so much for sharing this with #TuesdayTreasures, I fully respect that you have put it out there.

Crummy Mummy
Guest

I do feel for you – the same thing happened to me and it was my second miscarriage in a row. I know it’s a cliché but time really does make things better – you just need time to process everything. Hope you are getting on ok xxx #picknmix

Eilidh
Guest

Oh I’m so sorry that must have been a horrible shock. I hope you are as ok as you can be I know how hard it is and the emotions you go through. Thanks for linking to PickNMix
Eilidh x

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Mackenzie Glanville
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you are so right, the minute we find out we jump ahead 9 months and beyond, we picture their future and our future with our beautiful baby and the in an instant it feels that whole life we imagined is gone, it is the worst devastation. I got annoyed too that people would say it wasn’t meant to be because it doesn’t feel that way, or at least you have one child, because it made me feel like that should make it all OK and it doesn’t. I am so sorry you are going through this. Allow yourself to grieve,… Read more »
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