I have some baby news.
It’s not the post I’d hoped I’d be writing – it’s actually the hardest post I think I’ve ever had to write, but it is one I feel I need to write it for my own sake.
I have had a missed miscarriage.
There, I said it. It’s out there.
We went for an early scan at 10 weeks just to check all was OK, to be told there was no heartbeat.
We walked in with hopes and dreams of completing our family in April, and 10 minutes later walked out feeling numb.
Our lives changed in a few seconds, and although we only found out 3 days ago, I feel as though I have cried a lifetime of tears already.
How do you start to process something like that?
My body still felt pregnant, and I’d had no idea that my tiny baby had stopped growing weeks ago.
I have spent hours going over it in my head. Was it something I did? Where was I when it happened? Why didn’t I know?
But the answer is that there is no answer. It makes no sense.
When you experience a miscarriage, people tell you ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ and ‘at least you know you can get pregnant again’.
I know this is all true, and I am pretty sure I’ve said the same to friends of mine who have had a miscarriage, but it still doesn’t help me at the moment.
I am lucky to have my daughter and the other people that I love unconditionally. I know that.
But it doesn’t make me feel any less sad.
This baby wasn’t just a baby for me, it was a baby for them too.
As much as we shouldn’t, as soon as you see those little red lines on the test, you zoom forward 9 months or more and imagine what life will be like. You start to plan in your head… What will you call them? What will they look like? Who will they be?
Then, in a few seconds, it’s all stolen from you. Gone.
My brain is slowly undoing all of the thoughts I have had for the last few months, and soon my body will start undoing all of the work it was doing.
Apart from the birth of my child, never have I had to deal with something so traumatic both physically, emotionally and mentally, basically on my own so this is all new to me.
Yes, I have my family and friends and they are amazing, but everyone is individual. Even if they have gone through the same thing, they will have felt differently to how I am feeling. It’s just like that.
So at the moment, I don’t know how I feel.
I know I feel incredibly sad and pretty empty inside. I know I feel even more of an overwhelming love for my daughter and for the people I do have in my life. I know I will bounce back eventually, and I hope that one day we might be luckier, but I don’t know whether I am feeling what I am actually feeling, or what I am telling myself to feel.
I need some time and space to deal with this. I need life to settle down before I can really and truly smile on the inside again. I need to appreciate what I do have and not focus on what I have lost.
Thank you to my family and friends who are there for me. Without you, I don’t know where I would be.
Penelope – you are my little ray of sunshine amongst the darkness. I love you.