Back in 2014, I fell pregnant.
Like all first time mothers, I approached each milestone with caution but without any idea of what it really feels like if something goes wrong.
I was just too excited.
And to be honest, I had no reason to be otherwise. I had a great pregnancy and a text book labour.
Then out popped my perfect girl who is now almost 3, and I love her more than I can ever put into words.
If you’ve not read my older posts, my cycles resumed (seemingly with the help of the devil himself) and I was diagnosed with polyps. I had these sorted though, and things settled down again.
Then in the last year, I’ve had three miscarriages.
As I write this, the third one actually started this morning.
So yeah, things have been pretty shit.
I regret not embracing pregnancy more
I loved the idea that I was growing my girl, and am happy I had the chance to do it.
But to be honest, I wanted it over as quickly as possible.
I didn’t want to be pregnant, I wanted to be a Mum.
On reflection, I’m sad that I didn’t realise more what a pregnancy without complications felt like.
I naively navigated through the first one, preparing myself for the worst at each point but thinking that it couldn’t never really happen to me.
I wish I’d understood just how heartbroken it feels for your dreams to crumble before your very eyes.
For scan after scan to show nothing.
For the planned dates to be scratched from the calendars. Or as I put it, to literally flush them down the toilet.
I wish I’d known what it felt like to be deceived by your body.
And I wish I’d appreciated how it feels to be hit again and again by the same hopeless sense of loss.
Perhaps then, I might not have taken it quite so for granted and wanted it to be over.
My ask to you, pregnant lady
If you’re reading this and are having a healthy pregnancy, please do the following things for me:
- Enjoy the happiness it’s bringing you
- Mentally store each moment and the joy it’s bringing you
- Be excited
- Don’t stop living your life – make the most of everything and live the moment
- Appreciate that others around you might not be so lucky
And please do me a favour and shut the fuck up moaning about how “fat” you feel, how fed up you are, or how little you are sleeping.
You’re lucky to have a reason for all of those things to be happening to you.
Good luck x