Is it OK to be jealous?

Is it OK to be jealous?

Warning: This is an unusually deep post for my blog. Normal service will resume shortly.

I’m not a jealous person

I’ve never felt hard done by for things I don’t have that my friends do.

Yes, thoughts have crossed my mind that stemmed from some kind of jealous emotion, but I’ve never acted in a way perceived to be jealous behaviour. I’ve just tried to be happy for them.

Besides, if there’s something I have really wanted, I’ve usually gone out and made it happen for myself.

There’s one thing recently though that has made me rethink the idea of jealousy.

So why might I be jealous now?

I don’t want to bang on about it over and over again, but as a bit of context, I suffered a miscarriage last year.

Shortly after, I had to handle baby news when a friend told me she was expecting again.

Since then, it’s been a case of juggling really difficult times with very happy ones.

cute toddler

This awesome little bird has kept me happy.

I’ve been coming to terms with the loss, being happy for friends, and feeling guilty for wanting to be pregnant again. I have been appreciating every second of Lady P at such a fun and engaging age, but feeling sad that she doesn’t have a baby brother or sister on the way. I’ve been making plans that do not involve being ‘knocked up’ and feeling sad that I can.

I’ve also started to think that it might not happen quite how I thought and maybe we need a plan B.

So yeah, it’s been a pretty hard few months. My head feels like the footfall of Waterloo station.

 

Time is a healer

Everyone tells you that it gets easier with time. Of course it does. After a while, you can stop yourself from crying every second you think about it.

But what happens when you keep being reminded that you are no closer to having it all again?

I’ll explain.

In the period between losing my baby to writing this article, 2 people I know have had stillbirths, a close friend has had a 2nd daughter, there’s been 1 more NCT baby with 2 due soon, and one of my best friends has recently told me that she is expecting another.

That’s almost twice a month that I have thought about birthing, expecting or losing a child.

It’s not all about you

I know that all of those things are not about me. They are about those people and their families, and really and truly, I am happy (or terribly sad in the case of loss) for them.

The thing is though, it’s like watching Children In Need when you have a child; you relate it back to your own situation and those thoughts stick with you.

It feels like when you just get yourself back up onto ice skates having fallen over 8 times already. Then some agile little kid flies past you and knocks you down again.

You realise that you can’t skate like that kid, probably won’t ever be able to, and try as you might, there’s not much you can do about it.

So you feel a level of jealousy and disappointment. And you can’t just go out and make it happen this time because it’s out of your control.

So what are you going to do?

This jealousy is not going to make you track that kid down and burn his boots. There’s a good chance you won’t want to keep being knocked over by him though.

Ergo, when my friends are sharing their happy news about new babies or those on the way, a part of me can’t help but want to distance myself.

I don’t want to be a spiteful or jealous person. I also can’t, hand on heart, feel like it’s rubbing salt into the wound.

So for now, for those on the periphery, I’ll do the right thing and send them my congratulations, cards and gifts. Then I’ll drop off the face of the earth for a while. For those I can’t imagine ever not being close to, I’ll just get over it and be a good friend.

But my question to you is, is it OK to be jealous?

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16 Comments on "Is it OK to be jealous?"

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Kaye
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I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t even begin to imagine the devastation of losing a child at any age or gestation and yes I think of course it’s OK to be jealous and completely natural. Having babies is something that happens so often and to most of us that it’s hard to avoid and after losing one yourself, of course your instinct will be to distance yourself. I’m glad your beautiful daughter has helped you to be strong in the face of your loss. Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo

justsayingmum
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I can’t imagine how you feel but this sentence for me was the one that you need to revisit and ponder – it will help in the end and it is the right thing to do of course – a lovely friend and I really hope that you are getting the love and respect from your own friends too as it must be so so hard. ‘So for now, for those on the periphery, I’ll do the right thing and send them my congratulations, cards and gifts, and then drop off the face of the earth for a while. For… Read more »
Matthew Blythe
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It’s not jealousy. You are still suffering. Take it easy on yourself. You are still hurting, things around open up the wounds. You are a good friend. Sending you much love
#MarvMondays

Abi - Something About Baby
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I believe that it is absolutely ok to be jealous, especially after what you have been through. I think that it is totally normal to feel the way that you do, but also normal to feel bad for feeling like that. I have a beautiful son, and we would like another but we have had to hold off trying for no.2 due to financial reasons. Something that is completely our decision, but I still felt extremely jealous when two good friends of mine announced they were pregnant within 2 months of each other. Then I felt awful for feeling like… Read more »
Susie / S.H.I.T
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What a brave and honest post – so strong to write this, Jealousy is a natural emotion for us all to feel at times, and there’s nothing we can do about it but you’re so honest to admit it, as not many of us do when we feel it, and you have every right to feel those emotions, You obviously have a beautiful little girl there in Lady P. Thx for sharing #marvmondays

The Tale of Mummyhood
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I think this is a completely normal emotion in your situation. I hope things work out for you soon xx #marvmondays

Fran Back With A Bump
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Of course it’s OK to be jealous, its completely natural. So sorry for your loss. Thanks for joining us for #marvmondays xx

My Petit Canard
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I cant even begin to imagine just how hard this is for you, and yet I suspect that you arent alone. I imagine that these feelings are very natural, instinctive and hard to control, but probably very normal too. So yes, I think its ok to feel jealous, I think in a situation like this its even normal. Thanks for sharing such a brave and honest post with us on #MarvMondays. Emily

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