It’s a pretty heartbreaking statistic that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.
That average, until you have had one, seems like pretty rubbish odds, but if you’ve experienced a miscarriage, it becomes more than just worrying stats.
The truth of it is that miscarriages can just happen, and as I’ve found out, it’s really bad luck.
They may occur so that nature can take care of a pregnancy that may not become viable, but it doesn’t feel like much of a consolation. Especially when it’s multiple times.
As the mother, we have to deal with the physical and emotional loss of those dreams. The appointments, the treatment, the recovery. But then the dates that you’d started to plan around pass, life settles down and your cycles return to remind you that you won’t be left holding a baby.
It hurts. Like, really hurts.
But what about the Dads?
Social norms with anything to do with pregnancy naturally focus on the mother.
I’m stereotyping here, but dads-to-be tend to share as many beers or golf trips as they can with pals before they’ll be out of the game for a while. The mums pick out breast pumps and comfy trousers.
So when it comes to miscarriage, what is the split of support?
Well, unsurprisingly, the female gets most of the sympathy. They get flowers and chocolates from friends, and the offer of lots of shoulders to cry on.
The male becomes responsible for taking charge. He cares for any other kids and the house while mummy is feeling poorly. He goes to work as normal. He just gets on with it.
He doesn’t feel like the support is there for him. In fact, if he’s anything like my husband, he probably doesn’t even mention it to his mate, let alone cry on their broad shoulders.
Is that fair?
In a word, no. They are going through it too.
I’m not one to air my dirty laundry, but we’ve felt this personally in our marriage. Until our third loss, my husband hasn’t said much about it. He’s taken it on the chin.
He said that he doesn’t think that it is fair to talk to me about how he feels, because he doesn’t want to upset me.
I don’t think he is alone in thinking that.
Which actually upsets me more.
Miscarriage support in general is poor. We all know that.
People don’t know what to say. The health professionals can’t explain why it happens, and no words can ever make take the pain away anyway.
But bottling it up doesn’t help either.
So here’s a final thought…
Dads; open up
And if you know someone going through it, take them for the beer and just say that you’re very sorry.
Miscarriage is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It might just help you both to talk about it.
You can get more info about miscarriages at: